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Many leaders pay lip service to empathy. But, how many truly practice it? If you want to lead, you have to embrace empathy.

Empathy is Not “Ay Bendito!”

Empathy is a character trait and a skill. It is the ability to truly understand another person’s perspective. A lot of people confuse it with sympathy, the Puerto Rican “ay bendito” (“oh, poor you”). In some ways, empathy is the opposite of sympathy. When you sympathize, you feel for others from your own perspective. Conversely, to empathize is to view things from their perspective, instead of yours.

Sympathy is fleeting, while empathy builds credibility and trust.

3 Elements of Empathy

True empathy requires mastery in the following 3 dimensions:

Understand

You first empathize by understanding someone. This is true both in direct conversation or through public discourse. You seek to comprehend what the other person is saying, feeling and thinking.

Empathetic understanding requires you to ask lots of questions. Practice active listening. Don’t assume! Really listen. Think about what is being said or not said. Analyze the person’s context.

Remember that understanding and agreeing are two different things. You can agree (“yeah, ok”), without really understanding. On the other hand, you may get the other person’s point of view and have your own different perspective.

Demonstrate Understanding

The next element in empathy is to show the other person that you actually understood them. This step is critical in relationship building. It hinges on the other person believing that you really understood. Many leaders fail in this by offering empty phrases that lack depth and authenticity.

Your biggest tool to demonstrate understanding is authenticity. Be present, be real, make eye contact, react and paraphrase. Be vulnerable. Wait for the other person to confirm your common understanding.

An important distinction to remember is that demonstrating understanding is not the same as appeasement. Saying what you think the other person wants to hear is not empathy.

Turn Understanding into Action

Action! It’s the most important component of empathy. Yet, so many forget it! Once you have understood and shown it, what do you do? It’s time to walk your talk and act according to that understanding. Empathetic words are meaningless if you do the opposite.

People follow leaders who understand them and show it through word and deed. Therefore, empathetic action cements long-term trust.

Practice these 3 elements of empathy with everyone in your life: your family, friends, co-workers, clients, community and stakeholders. That’s what being a leader is all about.

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